That tree is in the wrong place and by chopping it down I’ll have enough firewood to last all winter and won’t have to spend a penny on heating. That’s settled then, my environment will benefit.
Should I call in the professionals? It’s twenty five feet high but the lower branches are accessible from a ladder. I have a ladder….and a chainsaw and lots of rope. More rationalization; professionals are going to cost at least $200. No contest, I have the equipment and even an old yachting harness for maximum health and safety.
By hammering spikes into the ground, the base of the ladder is secured. The top is secured by roping it to the trunk. Heavy tree branches have a nasty habit of not always falling where intended, I’d better rope off the driveway in case I have an unexpected visitor. The harness will attach me to the ladder if an errant branch hits me.
Prior Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance, so with a scrupulously well thought out plan, I’m ready to start work.
The sharpened chainsaw sliced through hardwood timber in no time. Branches dropped according to plan and only the trunk with ladder attached, remained. Less than ninety minutes and a hundred bucks an hour saved. If I can do this job in less than two hours, I’ll be quids in, time to speed up a bit. Now to climb to the top of ladder to release the harness. No need to go all the way up, my outstretched arm can just about reach the carabiner hook from here.
I reached it alright, even unclipped it. A solid stainless hook slipped through my sweaty hand, achieved terminal velocity and smacked me in the mouth.
Ignoring a certain amount of pain, the ladderless tree trunk was then dropped exactly where planned and the whole job including cutting logs into firewood was completed in less than two hours. Mission accomplished.
An unforseen bonus was the ability to place a straw where a front tooth had been. I’m not what you’d call a drinking through straws type of person and whilst wolf whistling is fun, not at the expense of dribbling. I’d really liked that coffee stained tooth. The shiny new replacement, complete with titanium implant, cost me $2500.00
An added bonus was that the first periodontist infected me with glandular fever. The dental treatment was interrupted for three months before I could recover sufficiently to find another periodontist competent to complete the operation. The fever left me too weak to chop firewood that winter and consequently a huge electricity bill.
The conclusion to be drawn from my tree-chopping experience is that arboreal assassination comes with a heavy price. I should have learnt from the eminent wisdom and spirituality of Monty Python.