I’m 17 hours of light time away from you at the moment. That’s right dummies, I transmitted this message 17 hours ago. It’s been a while because I’ve been busy in Andromeda and thought while I was in the neighbourhood I’d look you up. This flimsy contraption you’ve built isn’t bad. Can’t see me though, it’s only a machine. Anyway I’m close enough to see you. Hi Francis you twerp, what do you think my Muslim believers are going to think of your 800 new saints ?
Before you all panic, I’m not an alien but boy am I pissed. What a mess. Millions of years ago I gave you a fantastic piece of real estate. Gave, handed out, zero dollars. Millions I said, not 6000. Look what you’ve done to the place, disgusting. I even came back and gave you a few bits of advice but you obviously ignored that.
Prime real estate in the most exclusive galaxy and you’ve left it looking like a chav house in Essex.
Bloody idiot creationists. Do you think if I’d created you, I’d have let you make this fucking mess? What kind of a dickhead do you think I am? I blame that egotistical Nazarene bloke. There he was 40 days on his lonesome, so just thought I’d give him some company. Whispered a bit of friendly advice in his shell like, same as I did to a few other kings and such. Did they pass it on? Did they fuck. Used it to get themselves rich. Then the cheeky twat goes about telling everybody that the only way they could talk to me was through him.
Messiah be bolloxed, I don’t want anybody nailed on crosses for my benefit, I want you to stop nailing people to crosses. He even claimed to be my son, I wouldn’t have screwed his mother with Joseph’s dick and neither did Joseph. Now people even call HIM god, bloody ingrates.
Martyrs you stupid twats, do you think I give a toss?
When you face Mecca, what makes you think I want you in little bits from fertilizer and a chemistry set? No use to me, pet-food perhaps but that’s about it.
Gluttony, what part of that didn’t you fat bastards understand. You won’t burn in hell for it because some sadistic medieval twat made that up. I just told you so you could be happy with yourselves. Have a cigar instead, lessens the appetite. You guys have uniquely discovered the best stuff in the universe, cigars and liqueurs and as I always say, all good things in moderation. I mean after a hard days work implementing a planetary biological regeneration system, a cognac and cigar whilst listening to Holst is the perfect way to relax. Should get you right in the mood for a bit of non- reproductive fornication. But don’t get wasted because blokes can’t get it up and gals don’t feel it.
So you’re in a mess, you bet. You’ve only yourselves to blame. If you’d actually listened to me instead of believing all that crap from politicians and quacks, you’d be a lot better off. You’ve been lying to yourselves for as long as you could talk and what did I tell you about that ? Few of you have reached adulthood let alone evolve.
Free will ! That’s a joke. I gave you an evolutionary determinism in order to survive and evolve, hoping you’d evolve into something interesting. All you’ve done is focus on the material and rational and stuffed up your planet in the process. Your primitive greed and survivalist traits were a temporary biological feature which you were supposed to have evolved through. Imagined free will has merely rationalised to an evolutionary stalling point, impeding any further advance before you pollute yourselves into oblivion.
You’re screwing up a unique planet and bio system, I don’t make duplicates. Have a look through Hubble, see anything that looks the same as anything else?
You can evolve, you have to if you want to survive. Don’t give me that Trekkie crap about being able to build a starship and piss off somewhere else. You haven’t improved on a three century old principle for a propulsion system and you won’t before it’s too late. That warp drive bollocks is total fantasy and what about the bio engineering needed for humans to withstand the acceleration to the nearest solar system? Haven’t even started on that.
So let’s face it, you’re stuck here and even worse, you’re stuck with every other idiot. You’d better start looking for that advice I gave you. You know what I mean, the bit about greed, envy, wrath. That’s just the basics, the rest is there if you look for it. Psychologists think they’re so clever. They haven’t thought of anything I haven’t already told you. Most of the time they’re using their research to manipulate you into buying crap that you don’t need.
A species so easily sucked in by psychological manipulation does NOT have free will.
Market forces indeed, if there was a Lucifer, that’s exactly the kind of garbage he’d have dreamed up . Here’s another thing I told you, don’t shit on your own doorstep. You know what a metaphor is, you know your home is a tiny blue planet, how hard is that to understand?
For once in your Meforsaken lives, could you get your heads out of your own backsides and see things from my perspective. You don’t have to believe a coke snorting corporate cunt.
Intelligence, think you’re the smartest species, don’t make me laugh. It’s Bees you damn fools, a society that propagates the plant world and doesn’t destroy their environment. So stop poisoning the most advanced species on your sphere and start regrowing trees.
You evolve language and then waste it by bullshitting each other, how stupid is that ?
The End of Days is fast approaching and hey guess what? It’s not my idea, I told you, I don’t intervene. You made this mess, it’s up to you to clean it up. You’re worse than children whining, “aw I don’t wanna do that”, the only species in the universe that evolves backwards.
Now, mortality, yep that’s right, the big one. So get this because it’s important. Individually, you are going to die and even I don't know when and how. No if’s but’s and maybe’s. You don’t live on in some imaginary afterlife. That’s the whole point of evolution. Stop trying to think you can cheat the grim reaper. Evolution and economies retard when a bunch of selfish old buzzards cling on forever. You’re supposed to die to make room for the next generation. A big thanks to smokers for being so unselfish.
Also important is that you don’t make too many of the little buggers. You know how to improve life quality and expectancy so you don’t need to breed like fucking flies. You’re changing the climate, why? Because there’s just too fucking many of you for the biosphere to support. Distasteful revelation that, sooner or later you’re going to have to face up to it. What happens when every Chinaman starts driving SUV’s ? You can do it the easy way and limit breeding and SUV’s, or the alternative is lobbing nukes. What makes you tossers think Hummers and Sloane Taxis are road vehicles? Why not go the whole way and drive tanks ? Put a few shells in them for road rage, that’ll help natural selection. If you’re so terrified of driving, use legs to commute and prevent crotch rot. Cars. Locked in airtight canisters breathing your own farts and making the rest of the atmosphere unbreathable. I didn’t make hell, you did.
Individually you want kids, why? So you can listen to them screaming, clean up their puke and shit. Get wise, it’s because you’re too socially inept to make good friends and need someone to dominate and control. You want kids to carry your genetic material into the future? Why does it have to be yours, what makes you so fucking special ? You think that without breeding, life is pointless. Not so. Why can’t you be happy just contributing to society and enjoying the things that others have contributed? You can’t enjoy my handiwork towing a bunch of snotnoses. That sublime moment after you’ve climbed the mountain to watch the sunrise; “Mummy, I want a mars bar” Is that your idea of happiness ? Come on girls, you know you’re the more evolved gender(unless you're Australian), so why go through all that discomfort ? Before opening your legs, ask him for his snip and STD certificates.
I know this stuff is difficult for you, that’s why you need me. Trusting in me gives you the fortitude to deal with this shit. I’m a necessary figment of your imagination. Prozac, booze, dope may give you a bit of temporary relief but doesn’t solve anything because it impairs your thought processes. Substance free, trust in yourselves and when the going gets tough, I’m here to help you think. Doesn’t mean you can’t get wasted a couple of times, hell what student doesn’t? Just don’t make a habit of it.
You may have heard that I love sinners, it’s true. They’re interesting risk takers, not satisfied to be apple for teacher ass kissers. They need to find out for themselves what it’s all about and having done so, really learn the lesson firsthand. The rest of the boring sheep just do what they’re told without knowing why. It’s those individuals who advance the species.
Now get this, religious zealots. I don’t mind having the piss taken out of me, so don’t get offended on my behalf. I've told you there's no afterlife, so you'd better learn to enjoy the one you have. Lighten up twonks.
Icon worship. I told you about craven images, so you think a bleeding corpse nailed to a cross isn’t a craven image? It’s more than craven it’s downright X-rated and this is what you show your kids? No wonder you’re so screwed up. If you must have an image to kneel in front of, it’s Bees I’m telling you, the superior species.I told you all this thousands of years ago but now is the time to really listen. If you don’t arrive at a consensus on how to solve global problems you won’t have a globe. 78,000 of you morons want to go to Mars. What for? Wait a couple of hundred years and your planet will look the same. You’ll be watching the vintage David Attenborough of extinct history. I won’t step in, I told you, I don’t intervene.
Another thing, I really like tigers and bears, so stop fucking killing them. Their cubs are way cuter than yours and if you didn’t eat so much crap, you’d be able to run away from them. I don’t care if they eat a few of you, it’s called natural selection, in fact if you don’t pack it in, I WILL intervene and arm them with fucking nukes.
Anyway I’m available if you want to talk. You need to drop the egotistical bullshit for a bit if you want to hear me but that’s all. You don’t need a priest or any kind of go between, just talk to me directly, I’m listening.
Because you’re such a bunch of greedy, thieving bastards, this time I’ve copyrighted the message, so don’t think you can start a new religion with even more grasping charlatans.
You know who I am so stop wasting your time trying to understand me, you never will and you don’t need to. I’m you and you’re me, that’s all you need to know. Bees don’t ask stupid questions, so follow their example. And that space/ time thing, I’m all over the universe so it may take a while but I hear everything, you just have to be patient waiting for a reply.